Rock Bottom

It’s safe to say that I hit a low point in my life and trying to navigate it has not been easy. Some days are fine, other days are hard, and most days are complicated. It’s hard to proceed when you’re trapped in rock bottom. You scrape the walls, desperately trying to escape, and yet you find yourself exactly where you started—on the ground, defeated.

Change is necessary to escape any low in your life, but there comes the point where self-reflection is vital. And that’s where I am. I’m trapped in rock bottom, looking at the walls around me, attempting to figure out how I got here in the first place.

“It’s when we hit our lowest point that we are open to the greatest change.” – Avatar Aang

Yes, I just quoted a kid’s show, one of my favorites to be exact. But this quote profoundly resonates with me. Because until you hit your lowest point, you are closed off to who you can become. Why? Well, because you’re comfortable. Comfort isn’t the enemy, but it’s also is not your friend. When we live a life of comfort, we stop pushing ourselves to reach our most genuine potential.

My life up until this point was comfortable. I had a job, was in a long term relationship, and my day to day was steady. But then my heart got broken, and everything I knew came crashing down in front of me. I felt myself spiraling downward with no end in sight. This couldn’t be happening, not to me.

I hit my lowest. Getting out of bed was a struggle; getting through the day without crying seemed impossible, and I felt stuck. I just kept thinking, “Will this aching in my chest ever go away?”

And while it hasn’t wholly alleviated, it’s undoubtedly lessened. How? Because I pushed myself. I realized looking back and pondering the “what ifs” was getting me nowhere. It was merely dragging me further into my depression. So yesterday, I challenged myself not to cry. And lone behold, I didn’t cry.

Was it hard? Yes. Did I want to burst into tears on several occasions? Hell yeah. Was it uncomfortable to force myself not to? You bet. But I persevered and got through an entire day. And for the first time in a week and a half, I felt like myself again.

If my breakup has helped me realize anything, it’s that you can only change yourself, and if I am honest, I am tired of who I am. I am tired of being an anxiety-riddled mess. You reach a point where you’re exhausted, and it was that exhaustion that made me realize I’ve hit my rock bottom.

My anxiety has taken control of my life, and that is not okay. It’s taken me down a road I never wanted to travel. My life has become one of fear, panic, and sadness.

So, what do we do when we feel like we’ve hit our lowest point? Well, you can sit in it, as I did, or you can stand up and get the fuck out of there. I know things will get better in time, but how much time I need is up to me. I don’t want to be sitting in these feelings one month from now.

Use your negative experiences to make you stronger. Those experiences are the perfect opportunity to challenge your current mindset. Sure, I could wallow, I could allow myself to be consumed by sadness, but I refuse.

So, I’m challenging myself. I’m challenging myself to wake up early each day and write. I’m challenging myself to workout, even if it’s only for 15 minutes. And finally, I’m challenging myself to become the person I’ve always wanted to be; Someone who isn’t scared to be themself.

This journey will not be comfortable. But if I take it one day at a time, I know I will succeed. Because when you have nothing to lose, you open yourself up to immense self-discovery.

How Do We Heal?

Healing has been a hot topic within my life this past week. I’ve gotten so much advice regarding the subject due to my current circumstance. And if I learned anything, it’s safe to say that nobody’s healing journey is the same. Many make their journeys out to be some magical, life-changing experience when in reality, that’s not always the case.

Healing can be messy; it can be sad, it can be devastating. For me, recovery means crying. It means licking my wounds for a little bit. It means sitting in my emotions to release them and move on. Healing is a process, and nobody should rush you through it.

My process is a disaster, if I am honest. It’s a roller coaster of emotions that include days that are great and days where I can’t even get out of bed. It’s messy, and that’s okay.

But sometimes, bringing yourself to begin the healing process is difficult because we can’t stop looking back. We ask ourselves “what if” and, in turn, start spiraling towards derailment of our progress. That’s me right now. I keep looking back; I keep wondering “what if,” and in turn, I’m hindering the progress I wish to make.

We can easily be our biggest downfall. We self-sabotage, avoid, and deflect. But healing is like the seasons; things are cold and dreary for a while, but eventually, the sun comes out, the flowers bloom, and things begin to look up.

So please, don’t let anyone tell you you’re doing it wrong. Healing takes time, and eventually, your sun will start to shine again.

Moving Forward

I’m sad. I’ve tried starting this article in so many different ways. I tried to be philosophical even, talking about change and how hard it can be due to being a creature of habit myself. But at the end of the day, I’m just sad.

Change is hard, and when unexpected change happens, it can feel impossible to cope. My unexpected change is a breakup. He was my first love, my constant, and now that he’s gone, I have trouble managing my day-to-day. What do I do when some days are great and other days all I want to do is cry?

Things ended amicably, and for that, I am grateful. However, sometimes I wish I could hate him, just so moving on could be easier. But I don’t. I love him, and sometimes it feels like I’ll never be able to stop loving him.

My heart hurts, my soul feels crushed, and all in all, I am not coping well. I’m just so sad. So how do we move forward when feelings of self-doubt and loneliness surround us?

I’m not too sure. I know I have to but the ‘how’ is where I am struggling. It’s easy to want to hang onto the past. As I mentioned earlier, we are creatures of habit and comfort, and when we are kicked out of our comfort zone unexpectedly, it’s hard to figure out how to push forward.

I know that this feeling is temporary. With time and space, this all shall pass. One day I’ll wake up with a smile on my face. One day I’ll get through the day without crying. One day I will be happy.

But for now, I’m sad. And that’s okay too. It’s my job to realize these feelings and move past them. Time heals all, but it’s okay to sit in the moment. Moving forward doesn’t mean rushing forward. It means taking the time you need to heal and grow in the ways that satisfy you.

Today I will cry. Today my heart will hurt. But eventually, my light will shine again, and the work I’ve done to move past this will be worth it.

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